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Been There Done That

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(Blackadder/Dr. Who crossover)

You'd have to be very familiar with ALL four of the Blackadder series, plus the Christmas special and Blackadder : Back & Forth, AND the Comedy Relief Special titled "Dr. Who and the Curse of Fatal Death" starring Rowan Atkinson as Dr. Who. Then you'll be able to understand and appreciate this Blackadder/Dr. Who crossover fanfic I wrote a while back:

Been There, Done That (Blackadder/Dr. Who crossover)

Prince Edmund is caught in a time loop and relives a portion of his life over and over.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Blackadder and/or Dr. Who.

 

Been There, Done That

By jeanster

 

BLACKADDER: Now that we've saved Britain, we can return home, Baldrick. Let's go!

BALDRICK: Right, m'lord.

BLACKADDER: Uh, Baldrick, did you do some interior remodeling of this time machine when I wasn't looking?

BALDRICK: No, m'lord. Come to think of it, it does seem much larger inside than I remember.

DR. WHO: Excuse me, but who are you and what are doing inside my TARDIS?

EMMA: Yes, explain yourselves! Do you always go barging inside other people's telephone booths?

BLACKADDER: Terribly sorry. Wrong time machine. Let's go, Baldrick.

BALDRICK: Right, m'lord.

BLACKADDER: That fellow looked very familiar, don't you think?

 

Time and Place: 15th Century, England. The final moments of "The Black Seal". Everyone in the castle who drank the wine is now dead.

SCENE: EDMUND'S TOWER ROOM

Edmund is alive and asleep in his bed. His hair is back to the way it was before he got that silly haircut. There is a knock on the door. It is Edmund's mother. She enters and smiles.

MOTHER: Edmund? Edmund!

EDMUND: (waking up) Mmmh! Mother -- what do you want?

MOTHER: Did you want to go to the battle this morning?

EDMUND: Oh, my God! (feeling shocked and confused)

He leaps up. His mother smiles and leaves the room.

EDMUND: (stares at his hands, feels his ears, then feels his genitalia.) Thank God! It's all there! Well, THAT was some long and unusual dream!

Edmund does not realize that he is caught in the first cycle of a time loop which was the result of a temporal anomaly caused by one of his descendants (Edmund Blackadder) using a time machine and crossing paths with another pair of time travelers (the 9th Dr. Who and his assistant Emma).

This is Edmund's chance to relive his life. Will he do it better this time?

 

Time and Place: 21st Century in a place called simply "The Company". Mr. Melchett is the owner and president. George is his vice-president.

GEORGE: I say, Melchie, did you see the newspaper today? Another disgruntled former employee somewhere went on a mad shooting rampage at his former place of employment. Appalling!

MR. MELCHETT: Yes, it seems to happen more frequently. What a shame.

GEORGE: We haven't had anything like that happen here at The Company, thank goodness!

MR. MELCHETT: Yes, and I credit our very own gem of a Human Resources Manager, Ms. Edith Blackadder. Ever since she came aboard, we've never had any problems with terminated employees coming back disgruntled and harming anyone here.

GEORGE: She's doing a fine job, really she is!

Time and Place: Later that day in the Human Resources Department of "The Company". We see Edith Blackadder. There is a sign on the wall behind Ediths's desk and it reads: The End Justifies the Means.

Seated across from Edith is a man who has been terminated from The Company. Edith is conducting the exit interview. The man is sobbing loudly.

Edith and her assistant Baldricka are unmoved by his tears.

EDITH: Take a few minutes to pull yourself together, sir. I'll be back in just a moment. Baldricka, stay with him, will you?

BALDRICKA: Yes, Ms. B.

Edith goes out the side door and enters another room where there we see the time machine built by Baldrick and used by Edmund Blackadder to change events so he becomes king.

EDITH: (speaking softly to herself) So good of Baldricka's brother to let me borrow this.

She steps inside the machine and jumps forward in time to see what happens after this employee is fired. She sees him angrily returning to The Company. He is stopped at the front door by security, but he whips out an assault rifle and starts shooting people. He kills at least a dozen persons. Edith winces. She knows what she needs to do. She returns back to her own time and goes back to her office. The man is still sobbing. Baldricka is sitting at her desk.

Edith goes to her desk and sits. The man is still sitting in the chair. His sobbing gets louder and louder. Edith presses a button underneath her desk. A trap door underneath the man's chair suddenly opens and he and the chair fall down a deep shaft. He is no longer sobbing, just screaming in surprise. The trap door closes and his scream is muffled.

EDITH: Let's go, Baldricka. Not a moment to lose.

BALDRICKA: Right, Ms. B. This is my favorite part!

They take the elevator down to the basement. Edith uses her key to open the door leading to the boiler room. The man is lying on the floor among broken pieces of the chair. He is moaning and trying to get up. Baldricka grabs a piece of pipe and whacks him on the head, thus knocking him unconscious. Edith and Baldricka carry the man toward the large furnace. Baldricka opens the door of the furnace and they push him inside. Then they close the door and smile.

EDITH: There. All done. So what do you feel like? Chinese or Mexican?

BALDRICKA: How about Chinese? Those burritos don't agree with me.

EDITH: Chinese it is.

They go to lunch.

 

Time and place: 21st Century England. The home of King Edmund. Prime Minister Baldrick is with him and so are their guests, the 9th Dr. Who and his assistant Emma.

KING EDMUND: You can't be serious!

DR. WHO: I'm afraid I am. Our crossing paths earlier caused a temporal anomaly. Your 15th century ancestor Prince Edmund Plantagenet is trapped in a time loop and forced to relive a portion of his life over and over again.

KING EDMUND: I take it that will have important repercussions on his descendants, including myself?

DR. WHO: Yes. You and the others would cease to exist.

KING EDMUND: Oh, dear. We'll have to fix this.

DR. WHO: Yes. We'll need both our time machines to accomplish this, and we must hurry.

KING EDMUND: Right. It's downstairs in my basement.

BALDRICK: Uh, m'lord? A moment, please?

KING EDMUND: Not now, Baldrick. My life and the lives of my other ancestors depend on us moving quickly!

Blackadder rushes downstairs into the basement. He is surprised to see an empty space where the time machine formerly stood. He returns upstairs and tries very hard to remain calm.

KING EDMUND: Baldrick? What was it you wanted to see me about? It doesn't have anything to do with the missing time machine, does it?

BALDRICK: Yes, m'lord. But it's not really missing.

KING EDMUND: No?

BALDRICK: No. I loaned it to your beautiful sister Edith. She needed it for her work. I didn't see anything wrong with it, since we never use it anymore.

KING EDMUND: I see. Well, we'll just have to get it back. Right away.

BALDRICK: Yes, m'lord.

 

Time and Place: 15th Century England.

SCENE: EDMUND'S TOWER ROOM

Edmund believes the time he spent during past thirteen years was simply a very unusual dream. He breathes a sigh of relief. He looks down and notices Baldrick lying on the floor and starting to awaken.

EDMUND: Good morning, Baldrick! Isn't it a glorious day?

BALDRICK: Good morning, m'lord. Did we oversleep? Shouldn't we be with the others at the battle?

EDMUND: Oh, let's just sit this one out, Baldrick. I'm sure they're doing just fine without us. And there will surely be plenty of other battles in the future, so let's not worry about missing this one today.

BALDRICK: Well, if you're sure, m'lord. You seemed so eager just last night to fight with the others.

EDMUND: Yes, yes. Well, never mind that. Let's go have some breakfast, shall we?

BALDRICK: Yes, m'lord.

So King Richard the Third wins the Battle of Bosworth Field. He lives because Edmund isn't there to cut off his head. Edmund's father does not become king yet, and Edmund is still a nobleman, not yet a prince.

The first cycle continues. We arrive at the point in time where Edmund is furious with the Scotsman Douglas McAngus for taking his land from him, a reward for his heroic deeds in battle. Only this time Edmund, instead of getting McAngus to play the part of the Scotsman in the play the Death of the Scotsman, he implements Baldrick's cunning plan to get McAngus to stick his head down an enormous cannon. McAngus is killed.

Time goes on. Edmund writes a secret note of love to a young woman, asking her to meet him at midnight on the ramparts. He dons his shroud and is about to go meet her when it dawns on him that he had "dreamt" of doing so, only to be rebuffed and pushed off the ramparts and be attacked and bitten by a savage dog.

EDMUND: (thinking to himself) Do I really want to go through that? Oh, what am I thinking? It was only a dream!

So Edmund proceeds to meet the woman on the ramparts. Sure enough, when she sees it is Edmund and not his brother Harry, she looks at him in disgust and pushes him, causing him to fall and be attacked by a very savage dog. Only this time the dog manages to fatally attack Edmund, and he dies a slow and agonizing death.

Then he awakens in his own bed to the sound of a knock on the door. It is Edmund's mother. She enters and smiles.

MOTHER: Edmund? Edmund!

EDMUND: (waking up) Mmmh! Mother -- what do you want?

MOTHER: Did you want to go to the battle this morning?

EDMUND: Oh, my God! (feeling shocked and confused) Battle? What battle?

He leaps up. His mother smiles and leaves the room. He feels his neck for dog bite wounds. There are none.

Edmund has entered the second cycle of the loop. He wonders if he is beginning to lose his mind.

 

Time and Place: Back at the Human Resources Department of "The Company" where Edith and Baldricka are back from having lunch.

BALDRICKA: How's that new hobby of yours coming along, Ms. B?

EDITH: Just fine, Baldricka. Thanks for asking. I'm fascinated with all that I'm learning by digging up information about my ancestors. Perhaps you'd like to do the same about your family tree. Learn more about your ancestors and what they were all about.

BALDRICKA: Funny you should mention that, Ms. B. I found this in my attic. (She reaches in her large tote bag and pulls out a very old-looking book, and hands it to Edith.)

EDITH: What is it?

BALDRICKA: Something that's been in my family for generations. It looks like a journal.

EDITH: (reads parts of it) Oh, my! Good Lord! Baldricka, if this is authentic, then I'd have to say that your ancestor Baldrick of the 15th century kept a journal to record his adventures with MY ancestor Prince Edmund Plantagenet!

BALDRICKA: I don't know if it's authentic, but it does make for interesting reading, doesn't it?

EDITH: May I borrow it?

BALDRICKA: Yes, Ms. B.

 

Time and Place: The same day later in the afternoon at The Company. Edith's brother Edmund is paying a call on her to get back the time machine, but she is not there. Neither is the time machine. Baldricka greets him.

KING EDMUND: She's not here? Well, never mind. I'll just take back the item she borrowed from me and call her later.

BALDRICKA: What item would that be, m'lord? Not the time machine?

KING EDMUND: Uh, yes. Where is it?

BALDRICKA: With Ms. B, m'lord. She took it to travel back in time to satisfy her curiosity about the ancestor you both have back in the 15th century: Prince Edmund Plantagenet.

KING EDMUND: No!

BALDRICKA: Yes, m'lord. She read this very old journal written by my ancestor Baldrick of the 15th century. He had recorded his adventures with your ancestor Prince Edmund, but there were still gaps in what happened that your sister wanted to fill, so she took a trip back in time.

KING EDMUND: And she went ALONE? Why didn't you go with her in case she needs help?

BALDRICKA: She insisted on going alone. Said this was something she needed to do.

KING EDMUND: But she could be in danger! The Prince is caught in a time loop and she could become trapped in it as well!

BALDRICKA: A time loop?

KING EDMUND: Yes. Come with me. I'll explain on the way.

BALDRICKA: Where are we going?

KING EDMUND: To see the Doctor.

SCENE: KING EDMUND'S HOME

The Doctor and Emma are waiting for him.

KING EDMUND: We have a problem. My sister has taken the time machine and traveled back to the 15th century.

DR. WHO: Well, we'll just have to use my machine, the TARDIS, and proceed with the mission. We'll catch up with her when we reach the 15th century and deal with it then. I just hope she doesn't do anything to make things worse by tampering with the events in that time period.

EMMA: Doctor, the pod chambers are ready.

DR. WHO: Thank you, Emma.

KING EDMUND: Pod chambers? What are those for?

DR. WHO: We're going to use them to hold a few passengers we'll need to pick up along our journey to the 15th century.

KING EDMUND: Passengers? Is this really necessary? Won't they get in the way of this mission?

DR. WHO: On the contrary. They are to ensure a success. They will be part of backup plan in case we aren't successful in our attempt to rescue Prince Edmund from the time loop.

KING EDMUND: How so?

DR. WHO: I'll explain later.

Later:

EMMA: Doctor, we're almost at the point where we'll pick up our first passenger.

DR. WHO: Thank you, Emma.

The Doctor uses the ship's technology to transport their first passenger aboard the ship and into the first pod chamber: Captain Edmund Blackadder of the British Army. He was just about to be killed as he went over the top when he was instantly transported aboard the TARDIS. His fellow army comrades weren't so lucky. They were gunned down by the Germans.

DR. WHO: My backup plan to is gather Edmund's ancestors so we can put them in the pod chambers where they will be held in suspended animation. Their DNA will be recorded in the pod chambers. In the event the mission fails and Edmund Plantagenet's descendants cease to exist, I will be able to recreate each of them using the DNA records. Then I can send them back into their own respective time periods where they won't remember what happened aboard the TARDIS, and simply go about doing whatever it was they were doing before they were transported aboard the TARDIS.

 

Time and Place: 15 Century England. The time machine transports Edith. Her heart is racing. The anticipation of actually meeting Edmund Plantagenet and his friend Baldrick excites her. She pulls out a portable battery-operated handheld recorder, presses RECORD, then speaks into it.

EDITH: After having made a few stops along the way, I am about to enter the 15th century. Knowing how dangerous it can be for a young woman to be traveling alone in that time period, I first stopped to take lessons in self-defense and swordsmanship. Then I changed clothes to disguise myself as a boy. I will assume the identity of a squire named -- (pauses to think of a name) -- uh, Bob!

Edith looks quite fetching in her squire's outfit. She hides the time machine behind some bushes in the forest, then heads toward the castle. It is midnight. She reaches the castle. A dog is barking. Up above on the highest battlements are the shrouded figures of Edmund and the young woman to whom he wrote the secret note of love asking her to meet him there at midnight.

Edith observes what happens between the two figures above. She can hear and see it all as the moon is high. But she is too late to stop the dog from attacking poor Edmund after he falls from being pushed. It is the first cycle of the loop, and Edith has entered it. She is horrified to see Edmund being fatally attacked by the dog.

EDITH: Well, I'll just have to go back in time and fix this. I may as well make good use of this time machine.

Edith notices a piece of paper floating down. It is the secret note of love that Edmund wrote to the young woman. After realizing it was Edmund and not Harry who wrote it, the young woman removed it from the pocket of her shroud and tossed it aside. Edith catches the piece of paper and puts it in her pocket.

She turns to head back to the forest, then suddenly she blacks out. She awakens to find herself lying on the floor near Baldrick. She is still dressed as a squire boy. They are in Edmund's tower room. He is asleep in his bed. Edith and Edmund have entered the second cycle of the time loop.

There is a knock on the door. Edith quickly hides under Edmund's bed. The door opens.

It is Edmund's mother. She enters and smiles.

MOTHER: Edmund? Edmund!

EDMUND: (waking up) Mmmh! Mother -- what do you want?

MOTHER: Did you want to go to the battle this morning?

EDMUND: Oh, my God! (feeling shocked and confused) Battle? What battle?

He leaps up. His mother smiles and leaves the room. He feels his neck for dog bite wounds. There are none. He wonders if he is beginning to lose his mind. He is too nervous now to face the day, so he decides to go back to sleep.

Baldrick is still asleep. Edith quietly crawls out from under Edmund's bed. She is puzzled as to how she ended up in this room. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the piece of paper to read it.

Edith's eyes moisten with tears. She is moved by the beautiful, poetic words of love written by Edmund. No wonder that young woman was so eager to meet him. Too bad she wasn't willing to give Edmund a chance, Edith thinks. Any man who can write like this deserves to be loved! She places the note back in her pocket.

She gazes over toward Edmund who has fallen asleep. She notices how he looks so much like her brother, only younger and with longer hair and no moustache or goatee. She moves closer to him and kneels beside the bed so she can see him up close. The resemblance is uncanny, she thinks.

Baldrick awakens. He is startled to see Edith who he thinks is a boy with no business being in Edmund's tower room. Being loyal to Edmund, he quickly jumps up.

BALDRICK: You there! Get away from Edmund!

Edith calmly turns toward Baldrick and smiles.

EDITH: Shhh. Please, Baldrick. You'll wake him.

BALDRICK: Who are you? What are you doing here?

EDITH: I'm Bob. Edmund's distant relative. Very distant. Just came to see if he needs help to prepare for the battle. You both are still planning to go, aren't you? Or perhaps he'd prefer to sleep in instead. He looks so peaceful. It would be a shame to disturb him.

Edith leans over close to Edmund to study his features. She cannot get over the resemblance.

Edmund starts to awaken. He is startled but pleased to see such a beautiful angelic face smiling down at him. Who is she, he wonders. Then he fully awakens and is surprised and disappointed to see the face attached to a "male" figure. Oh, it's a boy. A pretty one at that. He catches himself for feeling very attracted to that beautiful face for a few seconds. He's determined not to be anything like the Earl of Doncaster. Yet he finds he cannot take his eyes off this stranger in his room.

 

Time and Place: Traveling backward through time in the TARDIS. Dr. Who has picked up all of his passengers. The Blackadders, including King Edmund, lie in suspended animation in the pod chambers which are recording their DNA.

DR. WHO: Emma, please monitor the pod chambers and make sure our passengers remain undisturbed.

EMMA: Yes, Doctor.

The Doctor turns his attention toward guiding the TARDIS toward the 15th century.

Baldrick leans against a panel and accidentally activates a switch. Two of the pod chambers open.

EMMA: Oh, no!

Lord Edmund Blackadder (second series) and Mr. Edmund Blackadder (third series) awaken and sit up. They are confused to find themselves in very strange surroundings. They look at each other and stare in amazement.

EMMA: Gentlemen, do not be alarmed. We're not going to harm you. Please just lie back down, close your eyes are rest. We'll awaken you when it's the right time.

LORD BLACKADDER: (smiling at Emma as he undresses her with his eyes) Lord Edmund Blackadder, at your service, dear beautiful lady. And who might you be?

EMMA: I am Emma. Please, Lord Blackadder. No, please don't get up. Just lie back down, please.

Lord Blackadder steps out of the pod chamber. He smiles as he gazes deeply into Emma's eyes.

LORD BLACKADDER: You are indeed a vision of loveliness, Emma.

He gently takes her hand and kisses it. Emma smiles nervously at him.

DR. WHO: Emma, how is it going back there?

The Doctor, busy guiding the TARDIS, is unaware of Lord Blackadder making the moves on his fiancee Emma.

EMMA: Oh, just fine, Doctor.

She shudders as Lord Blackadder gives baby-soft kisses up and down her neck as he gently embraces her.

Mr. Blackadder of the Regency Period is observing all of this with an amused expression on his face. He looks around inside the TARDIS, trying to make sense of where he is.

EMMA: (snapping out of it) That's it. Stop, right now, Lord Blackadder.

She firmly pushes him away.

EMMA: Now please get back into your pod chamber and lie down.

LORD BLACKADDER: If it was only large enough to hold the both of us, my dear, then of course. Care to join me? It'd be a tight squeeze.

EMMA: Lord Blackadder, please!

LORD BLACKADDER: Oh, all right.

He is about to step back into the pod chamber, then notices Mr. Blackadder studying the interior of the TARDIS.

LORD BLACKADDER: What about him? Aren't you going to tell him to get back inside his pod chamber?

EMMA: Yes, of course. Mr. Blackadder, won't you please lie back down? I know these surroundings may seem very strange to you, but you must trust me that this is all in your best interests.

MR. BLACKADDER: I'm not getting back into that thing until I know what this is really all about. Oh, wait. I get it. It's another dream! Any moment now I'll wake up and need to finish rewriting that damn dictionary before Johnson returns. Where's Baldrick? He should be turning into an Alsatian about now.

Baldrick's sister Baldricka leans agains a panel opposite to the one Baldrick leaned against. She accidentally activates a switch.

DR. WHO: Oh, no! What just happened?

EMMA: What is it, Doctor?

DR. WHO: We were just about to enter the 15th century, but now instead we've entered some alternate universe!

Baldricka guiltily moves away from the panel and tries to look innocent.

DR. WHO: It'll be a few minutes before I get us back on track. Everyone just sit tight.

LORD BLACKADDER: I'm going to get some fresh air.

He steps outside the TARDIS before Emma can stop him.

What Lord Blackadder sees outside the TARDIS amazes him even more than what he saw inside of it. He has unwittingly stepped into a very large convention center. It is filled with hundreds of women ranging in age from 15 to 60. They are all chattering and enjoying refreshments. There is a large colorful banner overhead that reads: WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL CONVENTION OF THE BLACKADDER LADIES' CLUB.

He looks around. The women nearest to him suddenly stop speaking. Their eyes all fix upon Lord Blackadder and their mouths fall open.

ONE OF THE WOMEN: OMIGOSH! He's HERE! I can't believe they actually got ROWAN ATKINSON to show up dressed as Lord Blackadder! EEEEEEKKKK!

SECOND WOMAN: What a surprise! EEEEEEKKKK! He's SO gorgeous!

They rush toward him. A voice inside Lord Blackadder tells him, "RUN!" He darts back inside the TARDIS.

LORD BLACKADDER: GET THIS THING MOVING! NOW!

The TARDIS disappears from the convention center, leaving a group of very disappointed women.

THE GROUP OF WOMEN: Aaawwwhhh! He's gone!

 

Time and Place: Where we left off back in Edmund's Tower Room

BALDRICK: M'lord, shall we get ready for the battle? I think we overslept. The others will wonder where we are.

EDMUND: (staring at Edith) Battle? Oh.

Edmund is confused because he now remembers being fatally attacked by the dog and feeling the life slowly drain from him, so he is very surprised and confused to find himself alive and back in his tower room. He is also feeling distracted by this beautiful stranger smiling down at him.

EDITH: (in a very concerned tone) Edmund, are you not feeling well? Perhaps you'd best stay in. There will be other battles, I'm sure.

EDMUND: Uh, you're probably right, uh, sorry, what is your name?

BALDRICK: (looking suspiciously at Edith) You don't know him, m'lord? He claimed to be a distant relative of yours.

Baldrick reaches for his dagger in case he needs to defend Edmund from this suspicious stranger.

EDITH: I'm Bob. A very distant relative of yours. You probably don't remember me, Edmund, but I certainly remember you! We used to take baths together.

EDMUND: (panics at the thought) What?!

EDITH: We were only two years old and my mother bathed us together when you came to visit us one summer. Remember how you used to splash the water so hard? Mother thought it was amusing at first, but after the third time, it got pretty old for her. And you used to try to steal all my bath toys. We used to fight about that. Mother had to remind me to share my toys with you, since you were our guest. So I learned to share.

Edith is having a fun time making up all of this. She's learned from experience that the more detailed the lie, the more believable it is.

Edmund is racking his mind, trying to remember any such time that Edith describes. He honestly doesn't remember, but he wants Edith to stay, as he finds he is enjoying her company.

EDMUND: Well, I guess it was so long ago that I've completely forgotten. I hope you're not offended that I don't remember you, Bob.

EDITH: Not in the least. We'll simply have to start fresh to get reacquainted with each other. What would you like to do today?

BALDRICK: How's about we all go join the battle? (He wants to see how 'Bob' holds up in combat.)

EDMUND: (frowning at Baldrick) Baldrick, I believe Bob was asking ME, not you.

EDITH: It's fine, Edmund. I'm up to joining you all in the battle, if you're up to it.

EDMUND: You are?

BALDRICK: Really? (still not convinced Edith is who she says she is)

EDITH: Yes, really. But are you up to it, Edmund?

EDMUND: (remembering back to when he first arrived at Bosworth Field long before getting caught in the time loop, believing it all to have been a dream, then thinking now perhaps it was a premonition) Well, since we overslept, it's probably too late for us to go. It may be over by now, for all we know.

EDITH: If you say so. Oh, Edmund! It's so good to see you again after all these years!

She throws her arms around him and gives him a great big hug. Edmund is enjoying it, but feels embarrassed as he notices Baldrick looking puzzled at the both of them on the bed. Edith has made herself quite at home as she hugs Edmund and snuggles close to him. She sighs and continues to hug him. Edmund notices she smells very good, but he reluctantly makes a half- hearted attempt to break free from her hug because he sees Baldrick giving him a funny look.

EDMUND: (explaining to Baldrick) Bob must come from the very openly affectionate side of my family.

BALDRICK: Right, m'lord. (turning away and rolling his eyes) I'll think I'll go see if Percy is still around. Maybe he's already at the battle.

Baldrick leaves Edmund's tower room.

 

Time and Place: Where we left off back aboard the TARDIS

While Lord Blackadder was in the convention center, Baldrick accidentally activated more switches that opened all the other pod chambers, thus releasing Captain Blackadder from World War I, Mr. Ebenezer Blackadder from the Victorian Age, and King Edmund from the year 2000. Mr. Blackadder from the Regency Period, convinced this is all a dream, is calmly watching all of this. Emma is trying to get all the Blackadders back into their pod chambers.

EMMA: Gentlemen, please! Get back into your pod chambers now!

DR. WHO: Emma, what's going on back there?

EMMA: Just a slight problem, Doctor! Don't worry! I can handle it!

The Blackadders, with the exception of the King, are understandably confused to see each other and where they are.

KING EDMUND: Emma, perhaps it would help if we take a few minutes to brief them all on what's going on. May I?

EMMA: By all means, please do.

King Edmund explains to his ancestors where they are, why they are heading back in time toward the 15th century, and the purpose of the pod chambers.

They all stare at him. Then the Blackadder from World War I speaks.

CAPTAIN BLACKADDER: Well, why didn't you just say so? Come on, gentlemen. Get back into our pod chambers.

They do.

CAPTAIN BLACKADDER: Oh, just one thing. When it's time to send me back to where you pulled me, would it be possible to instead plunk me down in London? Perhaps in a nice pub? Being gunned down by the Germans doesn't agree with me, as I'm sure you understand.

EMMA: I'll see what the Doctor can do about that, Captain.

CAPTAIN BLACKADDER: Thank you.

KING EDMUND: Emma, before you close my pod chamber, I need to speak with Baldrick for just a moment.

EMMA: Of course. I'll get him for you.

A few seconds later:

BALDRICK: Yes, m'lord?

KING EDMUND: Baldrick, I could just kick myself for not telling Edith what I should have told her. I always thought there was plenty of time to do it, so I kept putting it off. And now if this mission fails horribly, I may never have the chance to tell her!

BALDRICK: Oh, I think I understand, m'lord. Sometimes it's very difficult to tell your family members that you love them.

KING EDMUND: What? Oh, no, not that, Baldrick. I never told her that she's really adopted. Blackadder blood doesn't run through her veins. My parents adopted her when she was an infant. I was six years old at the time.

EMMA: Time to close the pod chamber now.

BALDRICK: Don't worry, m'lord. If you are unable to tell her yourself, I'll make sure she knows about it.

 

Time and Place: 15th century England, back where we left off in Edmund's Tower Room

After Baldrick leaves the room, Edith jumps up, runs to the door and locks it. She turns and faces Edmund.

EDITH: Edmund, something very strange has happened. It may sound fantastic, but I think you and I are trapped in some kind of temporal disturbance. A loop where we relive a part of our lives over and over again. Weren't you fatally attacked by a savage dog? I wasn't able to get to you in time to stop it, but I remember seeing you dying from your severe wounds. Next thing I know, I wake up here in your room. And here you are alive and well with no dog bites.

EDMUND: (sitting up) Oh, my God! I thought it was either a dream or I was going mad! Then it really happened? No, that's impossible!

Edith rushes over to comfort him. She thinks of what she can do to convince him it had really happened. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the note and hands it to him.

EDMUND: What's this?

EDITH: Open it and read it.

EDMUND: (reads the note) I wrote this note! Where did you get this?

EDITH: Just before I blacked out and woke up in your room, I was outside. It was a little past midnight and I noticed this piece of paper falling from way up at the top of the castle. I think the woman to whom you wrote it dropped it or tossed it. I don't know what made me think to catch it, but I did. I read it earlier, shortly before you woke up here. I hope you don't mind.

EDMUND: So it did really happen. But now what? That's the second time I've been attacked by that dog! I can't go through that again!

EDITH: There's only one way I can think of to get us out of here. You'll have to trust me. And I think it's time I be completely honest with you, my dear Edmund. It's true that I'm a distant relative of yours, but not in the way you think. I'm from the very distant future. And my name is not really Bob. It's Edith.

She sheds her squire's outfit, including the hat. Her beautiful long hair tumbles down over her shoulders and back.

EDMUND: (staring up at her in delight) Good Lord!

EDITH: (smiling) If there's time for a bath, would you care to join me? We could scrub each other's back.

Edmund stares at her and grins.

Two hours later in the hallway we see Baldrick and Percy approaching the door to Edmund's tower room.

PERCY: A distant relative named Bob? I don't remember ever hearing about such a relative of Edmund's.

BALDRICK: Edmund doesn't remember him either. But he's taking this fellow's word for it. I don't believe him.

They reach the door. Percy tries to open it, but can't.

PERCY: He's locked the door. Maybe he doesn't want to be disturbed for now.

BALDRICK: Hmmm. Let's try knocking.

Baldrick knocks loudly on the door a couple of times. There is no answer.

PERCY: Oh, let's go, Baldrick. He might get angry at us for disturbing him.

Baldrick frowns, but agrees with Percy, so they leave.

SCENE: INSIDE EDMUND'S TOWER ROOM

Edmund and Edith are in bed together. They had spent the past two hours enjoying a sensuous bath, followed by several bouts of passionate lovemaking. Edith enjoyed very much deflowering Edmund, and he enjoyed being her love toy as she guided him through the steps of pleasuring a woman.

EDMUND: Oh, good. Whoever that was has left.

EDITH: That's a relief. Saves me the trouble of stabbing whoever was out there.

EDMUND: What?

EDITH: Oh, nothing. Just relax while I rub your back for awhile.

EDMUND: You're spoiling me.

EDITH: Want me to stop?

EDMUND: I didn't stay that.

She gently rubs his back. He lies there with his eyes closed, enjoying the back rub. About ten minutes later he falls asleep. Edith kisses him lightly on the nape of his neck, then quietly pulls the covers over the both of them. She closes her eyes and falls asleep a few minutes later, snuggling close to Edmund. She knows there is serious work ahead, but for now she needs to rest.

Later:

Time and Place: Mid-afternoon that day in the forest. Edith and Edmund have left the castle and are heading for the time machine.

EDITH: We're almost there, Edmund.

EDMUND: What's that sound?

The TARDIS appears beside the time machine.

EDMUND: Good Lord! What is that?

The Doctor, King Edmund, and Baldrick emerge from the TARDIS.

KING EDMUND: Edith! Thank goodness the Doctor was able to bring us right to you!

He hugs his sister.

KING EDMUND: By the way, you're adopted.

EDITH: Well, I know that, dear brother. Mother told me that when I turned eighteen.

BALDRICK: See, m'lord, you were worried for nothing.

KING EDMUND: (smiling and turning to Edmund Plantagenet) And you must be Edmund. You're the reason my little sister traveled back in time. Well, aren't you a handsome fellow.

EDMUND: Uh, well, thank you. (puzzled about the TARDIS and the people who emerged from it)

DR. WHO: I wasn't going to mention it, but now that you bring it up, I've noticed that you Blackadders are quite a handsome lot. Yes, very handsome indeed.

EMMA: (emerging from the TARDIS) Doctor, look out!

A strange figure stands behind the Doctor. It is The Master. He is Dr. Who's arch enemy.

Emma darts back inside the TARDIS and quickly opens all the pod chambers.

EMMA: Everybody up! Get out of your pod chambers! We need every able- bodied man and woman to come outside and fight the enemy! Hurry! All for one and one for all!

LORD BLACKADDER: (muttering to himself) 'Get back in the pod chamber!' 'Get out of the pod chamber!' I wish she'd make up her mind!

A moment later Edmund's descendants emerge from the TARDIS and stand alongside the Doctor, King Edmund, Baldrick, Edith, Edmund, Emma and Baldricka to face The Master.

DR. WHO: (speaking to The Master) Your quarrel is with me. Leave these good people alone.

THE MASTER: Don't you dare tell me what to do, Doctor! Hmm. Who have we here? Looks like an entire multi-generation of -- what did I hear you call them? Blackadders? Well, first I'll kill you, Doctor. Then I'll wipe out the entire line of Blackadders, which will simply be a bonus.

Suddenly there is a powerful blast of light. The Master disappears.

EDITH: Whoa! What just happened?

Everyone turns to see a new figure suddenly emerge. His hair is very long and he is dressed in black metal armor and is carrying some type of futuristic weapon.

EBENEZER BLACKADDER: Wait a minute. I recognize you! I saw you in a vision as to what would happen if I changed my ways and became BAD!

SUPREME RULER OF THE UNIVERSE BLACKADDER: Thank goodness you did become bad. I wouldn't want to be wearing Baldrick's posing pouch. Well, now that I've gotten rid of The Master, we can all go back home.

Everyone cheers.

SUPREME RULER OF THE UNIVERSE BLACKADDER: (speaking to Edith) Except for you, my dear. Your place is here with Edmund, for now you are carrying his child.

EDITH: What?!

SUPREME RULER OF THE UNIVERSER BLACKADDER: You are our ancestor. I have access to records dating far back in time, and I've gone over it many times to be sure I wasn't mistaken. Yes, you, Edith Blackadder have fulfilled your destiny. You were meant to use the time machine to travel back to the 15th century so that you and Edmund can carry on the line of Blackadders. And I've used my time period's advanced technology to break the time loop that was accidentally created by the anomaly, so you two are no longer caught in it.

KING EDMUND: Good God!

Everyone is amazed.

EDITH: (turning to Edmund) Well, I'm very happy that we can stay together. I don't think I could bear to leave you.

Edith and Edmund hug each other. The others smile and say their farewells as the Doctor and the Supreme Ruler of the Universe help get everyone back home.

 

THE END