Work Header

10 Things Xander Never Did

Work Text:

10 Things Xander Never Did

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Xander belongs to Joss; the others belong to their respective owners, who aren't me.

Summery: Response to the 10 Things That Never Happened challenge (#389). Also note that this is my first, and most likely last attempt at drabbles so be kind.

1. Mortal Kombat
2. Static Shock
3. JLA
4. Teen Titans
5. Birds of Prey
6. Gargoyles
7. Tru Calling
8. Batgirl
9. Generation X
10. Early Edition

Part one: Never fought in a tournament.

"You got the wrong guy, you want a Slayer."

"If I wanted a Slayer," rasped the old man as lightning danced across his eyes, "I would have gotten one. The Slayers are humans unwillingly augmented by the essence of a demon, something forbidden by the rules."

"Then find someone else, there have go to be better fighters than me in the world."

"A few, none of whom have your experience fighting supernatural creatures. You know what will happen if Outworld wins so why do you hesitate."

Sighing Xander turned to the old god of thunder. "Okay I'll fight, but you get to explain things to my wife, after all I won't be able to fight if I'm killed before the tournament."

Part two: Never got this far

"What could go wrong?"

Xander knew he should never say that but he had, and on the Hellmouth none the less. Now here he was in a crappy hotel room by Decodas docks with a freaking gang war going down right outside his door.

When a stray bullet missed his arm by inches Xander decided to get out of there as quickly as he could.

As the purple cloud rolled towards Xander all he could think was, 'I left Sunnydale to get away from this stuff.'

After that day Xanders life was never the same, and the Zeppo was no more.

Part three: Never went to the moon

Xander couldn't believe his luck. He had been recruiting Slayers in Africa, trying to keep them away from the constant wars and alive long enough to become mothers when they arrived the Justice League.

These people were the best of the best when it came to the superhero business and they were asking for his help against a rouge Slayer.

Apparently one of the girls had a Meta gene that didn't mix well. The others had recommended him because of his high success rate when dealing with Slayers. Now he is on the moon, yeah no pressure there.

Part four: Never had to deal with this in Africa

I should have stayed in Africa. In Africa I only had to deal with wars, AIDS, and tribal demons, not super powered teenagers.

"I'll ask you one more time," said Cyborg the apparent leader. "Why are you chasing after the girl?"

"Don't suppose you would believe me if I said I was just trying to help."

"After those things you sent after her? Do we look stupid to you?" asked Kid Flash.

Okay review, these are the Teen Titans composed of Cyborg, Starfire, Raven, Wondergirl, Kid Flash, Superboy, and Robin plus one scared Slayer. Yeah I should have stayed in Africa.

Part five: Never stopped liking spandex

She wasn't perfect by any means, but then he stopped looking for perfect a long time ago. She was often rude, bossy, and she had a desire to prove herself to a group of people that would never completely.

On the other hand he was an ex carpenter with one eye that was assigned to Gotham to assess the vampire problem, and yet they made her work.

He met her the same way he met many of the women in his life with her saving him and him saving her.

"Made some more wooden bolts for you," Xander told Helena.

Part six: Never went to New York

The next time someone offers me a job I may have to research the position a bit more before accepting. Any job that involves living Gargoyles, mutated humans, mad scientists, and dealing with the Third Race deserves consideration.

The worst part isn't the danger though; it's watching the cop and Goliath dance around their feelings together. Honestly they are worse than Buffy and Deadboy in senior year. If I wasn't in on the betting pool I would tell them to just get it over with and head to Vegas.

Oh well at least David Xanatose pays his special employees well.

Part seven: Never died

Okay first call Faith and tell her that she has a twin. Second tell said twin that talking to dead people wasn't that big of a deal and call up Angel to prove it. Third deal with his apparent death that will happen in about twelve hours according to said Faith twin named Tru.

The problem is that in twelve hours he was supposed to be at a very important meeting that will secure some special tomes that will stop the world from ending. Now how to tell Tru about demon so she doesn't freak out.

Part eight: Never dealt with a father that was this overprotective.

Why can't I find a normal girlfriend with a normal family? You would think that after Mantis Ladies, soul sucking Mummy Girls, Cordelia, and nympho ex demons that he would get the hint and find someone normal, but being the king of cretins that I am the lesson just doesn't sink in.

Now because of my current love internist I'm hanging upside down over a bridge with a man in a bat costume threatening me. I have faced vampires and demons, this guy is more scary than all of them combined.

"Okay I get it hurt Batgirl go splat."

Part nine: Never went to a school like this.

All his friends were dead. They had died trying to save him from the Phalanx but he had still been captured.

The Phalanx were gone now thanks to the X-Men, and now Xander was left with a choice. Should he stay here, learn to control his mutant powers, or should he go home and fight the darkness alone.

One was already in his heart, she reminded him so much of Willow it hurt.

"Will you stay Xander?"

"Yeah Blink I'll stay, I never could turn my back on one of my girls."

Blink blushed. Xanders girl, she liked that.

Part ten: Never worked for a paper before.

It finally happened. After eight years and one eye God decided to give Xander a calling.

'ACK Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!'

The bad news was that God apparently had a sick sense of humor. Instead of super strength like others got he gets a paper and a parrot.

'ACK Shiver me timbers!'

Okay so it was tomorrows paper today but the bird was getting on his nerves.

"Two words for you beak brain, 'feather duster.'"

'ACK Later Long Jon'

Tomorrows paper today, and he was supposed to prevent five different things before bed tonight, no problem.