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You Can’t Make This Shit Up

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You Can’t Make This Shit Up
by hawk+soaring

He knew the second it happened. He saw her fall, the surprise of it all filling her eyes right before the light faded from them forever. He heard ghostly words fill his mind, “into every generation a slayer is born”, and wondered just for a moment if the physician his mother had taken to him was correct or if it was possible that he really was crazy after all. And then Sheldon Lee Cooper fell to the ground, convulsing slightly as energy flowed into his body.

He fainted.


At least he was finished with his undergraduate degree. Working on his first doctorate allowed him the flexibility of fighting the monsters of the world around his studies. Being a prodigy didn’t hurt either. Everyone knew he was eccentric and left him to it – mostly.

Fighting the monsters took some getting used to and Sheldon often thought it was unfair to toss destiny at someone without an owner’s manual closely following it. He’d nearly lost his head a half-dozen times before he perfected his fighting skills. At least he knew what he should be doing – theoretically – from playing hours and hours of video games. Following it up with actual workouts in the gym had been tough and finding a good sensei even tougher but the slayer energy had also given him a certain amount of strength and coordination that he’d always been lacking. It was easier doing – and less easy to hide it from his family. But there was no way he was dragging anyone else into the crazy.

Sheldon had found his mentor in Heidleburg, Germany of all places when he was a visiting professor and Klaus had followed him to California when Sheldon had returned to the states.

It helped having a librarian on your side and one specializing in ancient texts was invaluable. Sheldon didn’t question his good fortune, though. His misfortune at being made slayer was enough to teach him not to piss off TPTB. He’d take any good luck that was tossed his way. He also wouldn’t bet it all on good luck or the fates or whatever the hippies of the day called it. Instead, he worked had, he studied, and, yes, he worked out as well – just not where anyone he knew would ever see him. He had a façade to maintain after all. Geeky, socially inept Sheldon Cooper was harmless. Sheldon Cooper Vampire Slayer was another story altogether. Better to fly under the radar, so to speak.


Leonard, Sheldon’s roommate, looked up as Sheldon donned his jacket. “Where are you going?” he asked, suspicion lacing his voice.

“Out,” Sheldon said. “For my after dinner walk.”

Leonard squinted at him. “Since when do you take after dinner walks?”

Sheldon took a breath. “I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, I love serotonin.”

Leonard stared at him for a moment as if trying to figure him out and then shrugged. “Whatever,” he muttered, turning back to his computer.

Sheldon quirked his lips into a half-smile. It sure helped to have a reputation of being eccentric. He usually saved his patrols for after Leonard was safely tucked in bed but he’d heard rumors of a new menace in town – and one he needed to smack down before it became a permanent problem. Sheldon’s motto had always been, “hit ‘em hard, hit ‘em early”. If he beat the snot out of them when they first hit town, they usually turned tail and headed for another city. He couldn’t hope for more. Sacramento might not be perfect but it was his home – and the home of his friends. He would keep it safe. And, if there happened to be a need for his services abroad, there were always seminars and speaking engagements as cover stories.

Every slayer before him had been female and he figured the wires somehow got crossed in the womb and this was supposed to fall to his sister. But he wouldn’t wish this on his worst enemy, much less his sister. If anyone in his family had to be slayer, he’d rather it was him. After all, he had the brains for it and the natural camouflage: who would expect Sheldon Cooper to be a super hero?