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The Dead Phoenix Sketch (Well it had to happen sooner or later…)

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The Dead Phoenix Sketch (Well, it had to happen sooner or later…)
by Lady X

 

(A man walks into a pet shop, he is dressed in blue and wearing a strange pair of thick red glasses and carrying a cage, behind the bar is a short bald man… no wait he's in a wheelchair…J)

Cyclops: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint (Xavier won't look up from the magazine he's reading)… 'Ello? Miss?

Xavier: What do you mean Miss??

Cyke: Oh, sorry, it's the glasses… Anyway, I wish to make a complaint!

Xavier: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad.  I wish to complain about this phoenix what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

X: Oh yes, the, uh, the American Red...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. She's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

X: No, no, she's uh,...she's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead phoenix when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now!

X: No no she's not dead, she's, she's restin'!  Remarkable bird, the American Red, idn'it, ay?  Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it.  She's stone dead.

X: Nononono, no, no!  She's resting!

C: All right then, if she's restin', I'll wake 'er up!
    (shouting at the cage)
    'Ello, Miss Cosmic Phoenix!  I've got a lovely fresh planet for you if you show...(shop owner hits the cage)

X: There, she moved!

C: No, she didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

X: Ooo, I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

X: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO PHOENIX!!!!! JEAN?? JEAN??! JEEEAAAANNNN!!!!!  Testing! Testing!  Testing!  Testing!  This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter.  Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's a dead avatar.

X: No, no.....No, she's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

X: Yeah!  You stunned 'er, just as she was wakin' up!  American Red's stun easily, major.

C: Now look mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That bird is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out due to a prolonged squawk.

X: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for the cosmos.

C: PININ' for the COSMOS?!?!?!?  What kind of talk is that?, look, why did she fall flat on 'er back the moment I got 'er home?

X: The American Red prefers kippin' on it's back!  Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire?  Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that phoenix when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

X: Well, o'course it was nailed there!  If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its TK, and VOOM!

C: "VOOM"?!?  Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put the power cosmic through it!  'She's bleedin' demised!

X: No no!  She's pining!

C: She's not pinin'!  She's passed on!  The Phoenix is no more!  She has ceased to be!  She's expired and gone to meet 'er maker!  She's a stiff!  Bereft of life, She rests in peace!  If you hadn't nailed 'er to the perch she'd be pushing up the daisies!  'Er metabolic processes are now 'istory!  She's off the astral!  She's kicked the bucket, she's shuffled off 'er mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS… IS AN X-PHOENIX!!

(pause)

X: Well, I'd better replace 'er, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

X:  Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of phoenixes.

C: I see.  I see, I get the picture.

X: <pause> I got a Wolverine.

(pause)

C: (sweetly) Pray, does it talk?

X: Weeeellll 'E growls.

C: WELL HE'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS HE?!!???!!?

X: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the Phoenix for you.

C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop.  The owner is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?

X: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a large Blue-furred man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Hank McCoy: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

C: I beg your pardon...?

M: I'm a qualified Biochemist, Physicist, Mad Scientist and brain surgeon! only do this job because I like being my own boss!

C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

M: Yeah, well it's not easy to use those really long words all the time you know, sometimes they make my brain really hurt, and…

C: (Interrupting) Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself
    deposited here in Ipswitch.

M: No, this is Bolton.

C: (to the audience) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

M: Can't blame British Rail for that.

C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

M: (muttering) weird bastard

(Cyclops returns, blasting the door open and generally demolishing the petshop.)

C: I understand this IS Bolton.

X: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?

C: You told me it was Ipswitch!

X: ...It was a pun.

C: (pause) A PUN?!?

X: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

C: (Long puzzled pause)  A palindrome...?

X: Yeah, that's it!

C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!!  It don't work!!

X: Well, what do you want?

C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Bishop: (charging into the shop in full army uniform) Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes customer by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go marry a clone now!  Come on...  (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)

X: (to himself)  Well!  I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be...  A LUMBERJACK!

(He jumps out of his wheelchair, takes off his white lab coat to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it)

Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!
With my best girl by my side!  
(runs off to Canada with Wolverine)

Meanwhile when everyone has gone……
SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE……Hey!, Where is everyone?! Aw man…(Jean grumbles and stalks off)


THE END

…Yes, I know, I'm twisted… but it was fun eh?