Work Header

Nobody expects the Watchers Council

Work Text:


Nobody expects the Watchers Council
By Draxar



Announcer: And now, the sound of Angel being staked.

Angel: _sigh_ I love Buffy so much... but it can never work. _sigh_ Must remember to get some more hair g- aaargh! No... <poof>

Announcer: Thank you.


Xander slowly walked in the library, he was chewing something, and he had a twinkie wrapper in his hand. Seeing Giles pacing up and down in the middle of the room, he walked over to him.

Xander: (mouth full) Huh, G-Muh. Buhfuh ehss lught cuh shuh ehss eh thugh tuhleht.

Giles: (confused) _What_?

Xander: (mouth full, annoyed" _Buhfuh_ _ehs_ _eh_ _thugh_ _tuhlught_

Giles: (still confused) I have no idea what you're trying to say, Xander. I know you're American, but at least _try_ to speak properly.

Xander took a moment to swallow,

Xander: I said, 'Buffy is late 'cause she's in the toilet'. God! I was just giving you a message, I didn't expect the Watchers Council!

Immediately after Xander uttered that comment, three men burst though the library doors, all dressed in matching tweed.

Lead Watcher: _Nobody_ expects the Watchers Council! Our weapon is research, research and disapproving stares. Our _two_ weapons are research, disapproving stares and a nice cup of tea. Our _three_ weapons are research, disapproving stares, a nice cup of tea, and an almost fanatical devotion to the English language. He paused a moment to catch his breath before continuing Our four wea- Amongst our weapons are: research, disapr- Amongst our weaponry are such elements as: research, disapproving stares, a nice cup- I'll come in again.


Giles, Buffy and Xander and Riley were on patrol when they saw a group of red skinned, horned demons, all wearing blue robes.

Demons: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!

Buffy: (to Giles) Who are they?

One of the demons hears her, and turns around turns around.

Lead Demon: We are the demons who say... Nee!

Other Demons: Nee! Nee! Nee!

Riley: (cowering)_No_! Not the demons who say Nee!

Lead Demon: The same!

Riley loses his nerve and starts to run. As he ran along a road, Oz's band drove up and kept speed with him. All the members of 'Dingoes ate my baby' were sitting on the roof of the van (which seemed to be driving itself) with their instruments. While driving alongside Riley, they stared to play and sing:

Dingoes Ate My Baby: Brave commander Riley ran away.

Riley: No!

Dingoes Ate My Baby: Bravely ran away, away!

Riley: I _didn't_!

Dingoes Ate My Baby: When evil reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

Riley: No!

Dingoes Ate My Baby: Yes brave commander Riley turned about, valiantly he chickened out.


Buffy strode quickly into the library, making her way to Giles as soon as she saw him

Buffy: Mr Giles we are in great danger!

Giles: Huh?

Buffy: _sigh_ There's, like, a totally major problem G-man.

Giles: Ahh. What's the problem?

Buffy: There is a group of villainous spiritual entities, engaged in a nefarious scheme to end the existence of this sphere that we dwell upon. I need fighting equipment so I may combat their evil plot.

Giles: What?

Buffy: _sigh_ Some bad-ass dudes are in the hood. They is going to try and end the world. I need some major heat do deal with them.

Giles: Oh, Okay. I've got the armoury all set up, what weapon do you want?

Buffy: Do you have a battle axe?

Giles: (looks around) Nope, I must have left it at home

Buffy: Maybe a long sword?

Giles: Off being sharpened at the moment. I'm afraid.

Buffy: Give me a quaterstaff, then.

Giles: My only one got broken a few days ago.

Buffy: This isn't going well. Mace?

Giles: Sorry.

Buffy: Dagger?

Giles: Normally I'd say yes, but a friend is borrowing it.

Buffy: Ah. Blowpipe?

Giles: Sorry

Buffy: Taser? Spear?

Giles: No.

Buffy: A harpoon, perhaps?

Giles: Nope.

Buffy: Broad sword?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Trident?

Giles: Nope.

Buffy: Long bow?

Giles: Sorry.

Buffy: Warhammer

Giles: No.

Buffy: Saber?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Shotgun?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Khopesh?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Short bow?

Buffy: Club, dirk, short sword, boomerang, lance, glaive, submachine gun, bastard sword, tomahawk?

Giles: Nope.

Buffy: Any chance of a crossbow?

Giles: Ah! I have a crossbow.

Buffy: You do? Great!

Giles: I think it's a bit well used.

Buffy: I like them well used, they're more comfortable.

Giles: I think it may be a bit more well used than you like, Buffy.

Buffy: I don't care how well used it is, just give it here.

Giles: Oh! It's fallen apart.

Buffy: Ah. Shuriken?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Bola?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Long bow?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Sledgehammer, sickle?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Hand axe?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Claymore, kris?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Javelin, sling,

Giles: No.

Buffy: You _do_ have some weapons here, right?

Giles: Of course, it's an armoury. I've got-

Buffy: No, don't tell me. I want to guess. Katana?

Giles: Yes.

Buffy: Well, I'll have that then.

Giles: Oh, sorry. I thought you were talking to me. Katana was a nickname I got when I visited Japan.

Buffy: Throwing knives, sling?

Giles: Not as such

Buffy: Halberd, man catcher, awl pike?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Two-handed sword? Musket?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Flail? Laser?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Rapier? Epee?

Giles: No.

Buffy: Garrotting wire, chain, cat claws, grenades?

Giles: Not at this moment

Buffy: Aha! How about a stake?

Giles: I don't really think they 're too useful.

Buffy: Not too useful? They're my most used weapons against the forces of darkness.

Giles: I think they're going out of fashion.

Buffy: _Really_. And what is coming _into fashion?

Giles: Chainsaws.

Buffy: Do you have a chainsaw? I'm waiting with bated breath

Giles: ......No.

Buffy: It's not much of an armoury really, is it?

Giles: It's the finest weapon depository in the state.

Buffy: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Giles: Well, it stores weapons.

Buffy: It's certainly uncontaminated by instruments of war, as far as I can see.

Giles: You haven't asked mew about the nuchaku yet.

Buffy: Is it worth it?

Giles: Could be.

Buffy: Have you got a set of nuchaku?

Giles: No.

Buffy: That figures. It was a bit optimistic for me to actually bother to ask the question. Okay Giles, tell me: Do you have any weapons here at all?

Giles: Yes.

Buffy: Really?

Giles: No. Sorry Buffy, I was deliberately wasting your time.

Buffy: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to kill you.

Giles: Okay.

<snap> <thump>

Buffy: What a senseless waste of human life.


Buffy walked into the school early in the morning, ready for her first lesson. She saw Principal Snyder standing next to a motionless body in the hallway. Her curiosity outweighing her good sense, she went over to have a look.

Buffy: Why is there a dead body in the hallway?

Snyder: This pupil isn't dead -He's just resting.

Buffy: _Really_? Well then, I think we should wake him up. (shouting) Hello Sunnydale High student! The school is giving away free hot dogs in the canteen now! Go and get one! This is an ex-pupil.

Snyder nudges the body with his foot, making it shift position

Snyder: There! He moved!

Buffy: No he didn't! You pushed him with your foot.

Snyder: I did not.

Buffy: Yes you did!

Snyder: I didn't!

Buffy: Hello! Wakey wakey! (Buffy gives the body a light kick with her foot) This is your first lesson bell! (kicks it a few more times). Now that's what I call a dead body.


After Riley's display of cowardice, the gang was forced to retreat from the demons. The next night they set out hunting for those demons, having done some research, and taking Willow with them this time, rather than that Shmuck Riley.

After a short search they found the demons they were looking for, though this time the demons were all wearing red robes.

Buffy: Look, it's them. The demons who say 'Nee'.

Having overheard her again (good hearing these demons have) the same demon as before addressed them.

Lead demon: We are now, no longer the demons who say Nee!

Other demons: Nee!

Lead demon: Shh! We are now the demons who say 'Ecky ecky ecky ecky Ptang! Roopboingdidgrong.


Xander was sitting at his desk. He found his job as a relationship counsellor very boring, but he needed the money. He was dealing with some of his endless amounts of paperwork, when a couple came into the room. He ignored them and carried on filling in the forms, until the man knocked on the table to get his attention. Looking up Xander saw a boring looking brown haired shmuck.

Xander: Hello, Mr...?

Riley: Finn, Riley Finn.

Xander: (feigning interest) So... what seems to seems to be the problem with your relationship? (he notices the beautiful, blond haired woman, wearing a red dress and blue silk scarf, sitting next to Riley) Well hello! (she smiles at him, and he gets up and moves to sit on the edge of his desk, right in front of her looking into her eyes. She is similarly captivated by him)

Riley: Well... me and Buffy, we've been a couple for almost 6 months now.

Xander slowly reached his hand towards Buffy's cheek As it got close to her, Buffy moved her head, and nestled her cheek in his hand

Riley: But the problem really began about a month ago, when I went back home to Iowa for a week.

Xander moved closer to Buffy and they both stood up. His eyes lost in Buffy's, he continued to talk to Riley

Xander: And what happened then to change everything?

Xander's hands slowly massaged Buffy's shoulders as Riley replied.

Riley: I became obsessed with knowing what Buffy had done while I was gone

Xander slowly leaned Buffy backwards, holding her so she didn't fall, they were face to face, with less than a handspan between their lips, and less than the thickness of a piece of paper between the rest of their bodies)

Xander: You suspect your girlfriend?

After his question, Xander closed the last space between him and Buffy, giving her, a long, passionate kiss.

Riley: (whispering) Well... yes

Xander moved away from Buffy, trailing kisses down her arm as he went. When he reached her fingers, he gave them one last kiss before gently moving away. Buffy looked hurt until he gave her a wink and blew her a kiss.

Xander: Has she given you any concrete reason to suspect her? Do you have any evidence.

Walking over to his cupboard, Xander threw the doors open. There was a folding bed inside, and it fell down to reveal the silk sheets on it. Buffy's eyes lit up when she saw it.

Riley: No... but I still feel suspicious.

Xander gathered Buffy up into his arms and carried her towards the bed, speaking to Riley as he walked.

Xander: Well Mr Finn, I am glad to say that I know both what the problem is, and the solution.

Xander reverently laid Buffy down in the bed, kissing her forehead as he did so.

Riley: Really? Good, please tell me.

Xander languidly stretched, removing his coat as he did so. As he leaned back towards her, Buffy began to undo his shirt buttons while he undid his tie.

Xander: It's quite simple. You are a shmuck. A corn-fed, Teutonic, farm-boy shmuck. You will never be worthy of a woman as beautiful, kind and special as Buffy. Therefore you assume that see won't want to be with you, and will go with other men, since you are so useless.

Buffy took the silk scarf from round her neck and placed around Xander's. She used it to slowly pull him towards her, bringing him in for another long kiss.

Riley: I think you're right, counsellor. What can I do to solve the problem?

Xander climbed onto the bed next to Buffy and continued to kiss her, running his hands slowly up and down her body.

Xander: The only thing you can do is to leave Buffy, so a more deserving man can be with her. A man who will treat her like the goddess that she is, rather than just an appendage and a toy. You should also shoot yourself, so that you do not pollute the Earth with your presence any longer.

Riley: Thank you, Mr Harris, you've shown me the right way to go.


A few minutes later...


Buffy: Oh _Xander_!



So, what do you think?